I think im going to throw up on grandma
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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