Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
