My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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