her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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