My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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