Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
