3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
