They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
