just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
