im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
