Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
