Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
