I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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