The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
