I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Randomize
