The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
