Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
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