oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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