the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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