Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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