Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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