They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
