i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
