tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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