I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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