I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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