Don't you send me to vm
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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