Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
