new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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