I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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