woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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