I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
