there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
