she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
