My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
