Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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