I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
