Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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