I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
