Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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