you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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