I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
