I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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