do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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