dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
