I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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