oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
