you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
