"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
