I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
